I got out of a 2 year long relationship last December. I was even married for 6 months of it. Got fucked over by her and everything else going on in my life at the same time. Now, there's a close friend I'm in love with who says she needs time before she would be ready to date me. Says she needs a process. Says I should date other people and get back to her in six months. Sounds cold right? It would be, except that I've stopped calling her and I never ask her to hang out. It's always her that calls me. So, I really don't know with her. There's mixed messages and she says she needs a process. I get to touch her all over, but nothing sexual, unless you count the times I stroked the sides of her breasts with lotion. She told me to watch were my hands were, but not until a lot of stroking was already done. She admitted to having been confused about how she felt and now she's just asked me to stop talking about it.

So I made a journal of all the things I want to say to her day in and day out but she's not ready to hear. I also gave up on trying to date other women. I'm in love with her and unless another woman would go out of her way for me, I'm tired of how much I put out there of myself for nothing. So, despite how pathetic that all sounds, the journal is really good. I'm proud of it as a work in and of itself. If anyone would give feedback on how they like it or on what they think of these relationship issues, that would be very much appreciated. Hope you like it. I'll be posting future journal entries and some poems that were inspired by her later.



3/5/2011
I've been moving forward and growing, trying to figure my own self out. I thought at first that I might need to justify any excuse to get back to that place where I felt at peace with my life. But I no longer bother thinking about what made me happy then. What I want now is very different.

When I first felt ready to move on, I knew that I wanted to be with you, more than anyone else.

I held back a little because I understood the awkward possibility that something of how I felt might have been a symptom of loneliness rather than a genuine interest in you, so I waited. What I found was that these new behaviors from me in general are my body telling me that I need to move forward and to not take any unnecessary losses from my plight. Especially the wasting of precious time.

So here I come to this. I tried to see if I could want any other girl just as badly, but I keep coming back around to wanting you. Whether you would reciprocate or not, I know that right now, I would rather be single if I can't be with you.

That's not me being bitter. I am genuinely comfortable knowing that right now I am happy being single, as long as I know that 'we' would not be something that you are ready for. I love you Dafna, and I want you to be happy.

You are not a rebound. You are not a replacement or someone I seek out of desperation. This has nothing to do with what anyone else thinks about us. I am not just trying to get laid. I want you and all of you that goes with it, including the patience and promise that you would require to trust that I won't hurt you.

If you would let me, I want to date you. I want to take you somewhere where we can dance. I want a chance to kiss you

3/6/2011
I just told you how I feel... again. Hopefully I've been scolded for doing so for the last time. I learned that you were serious about wanting 6 months, but also that you need it to work through a process. It involves figuring out the religious stuff between the two of us and other compromises that you perceives to be problematic. But you did reveal to me that you see us as being like a couple already, just without the sex (or kissing). You said you really needs me to give you time for it and that bringing it up all the time isn't helping. You even said that you think we would make a great couple. So I understand more now and feel more vindicated in how I feel about you because in a way, we already are dating. The one thing I wanted to say to you that I didn't get to was "I Love you Dafna." I hope that I can wait for you.
So from here I decided to make this a place where I can tell you how I feel and you won't be bothered until you're ready.

I love you Dafna. You are so fucking beautiful. I wish I could kiss you right now and reach down into your sexy pants and rub your clit with my finger ;P({}) hmmmmm =)

In a way we ARE already dating. I love chatting you up and studying with you and going out to get dinner. You're great company, and a great friend. I hope you don't really need a whole six months.

It's raining
Dafna: "I don't like the idea of getting wet right now"
Me (internally): "I really like the idea of getting you wet ;)"

3/7/2011
Today I wanted to see you early in the day. Today is the day you first asked me to give you a wake up call. You didn't get out of bed until an hour after I had called you. But still it was nice calling you. I wish I had talked with you for a bit longer than I did.

Today was also the day after what will hopefully be the last time I prematurely ask you to love me again. You had complained that it didn't seem like I was listening to you because I kept making attempts to convince you. You should be more fair. There are some things that you should be expected to tell someone more than once. Particularly things which, on the face of then seem too ridiculous to be true, like expecting someone to wait 6 months for love. That's a lot to expect of me, and it makes me worry that if I did hold out and wait for you that you might tell me 6 months later that you're just not into me. That would be showing you to be very inconsiderate of my feelings if it were to come to that. Right now, I don't consider myself waiting for you, but I would be hurt if we continued to date-but-not-date-without-the-sex for 6 months and you hooked up with someone else or at least didn't have a kiss on the lips waiting for me at the other end. I can commit and be patient, but time has proven to me that that is a weakness when being patient for someone who doesn't care.

At the same time, I know that the kind of person who would hurt me is near to unavoidable. I need to watch for how many ways you prove to be straight forward and supportive. If you turn out to be someone who is never fickle about her decisions, then I will learn to take everything you say seriously the first time. You understand if I'm not used to it.

Also, you were wrong, it is important for me to know that you have feelings for me right now, even if you refuse to act on them right now. I could have figured this all out sooner if you were honest with me about that. I respect your wishes and your concerns and your process, but if you had no feelings for me, then it would have been dumb of me to allow myself to pine over you for this long. Luckily, I'm not the only person who sees that your actions prove such feelings to be there. I'm at peace knowing that and waiting for one of us or something else to change before moving forward.

If I could rub your back with lotion again the way I did, I don't know what I should do. I still regret not taking advantage of a kiss a girl was once ready to receive from me long ago. If I touch you like that again, I will want to kiss your lips. It wouldn't be right of you to not at least let me get away with that.

I caught a few glimpses of your boobs while you were stretching. Your sweaters might as well not be on because I'm not imagining you with them. I wish I could use your boobs as delicate pillows for a night. Beautiful suckable pillows.

3/8/11
Today you made it clear that you wouldn't love me. You put me aside this whole time and refused to tell me exactly what you feel. Why? And you did it with the intent of possibly moving on to someone else in the middle of all of this? You said you were confused. You admitted this much, and you apologized. If I can't help but love you, should we still be friends? Will the silence between us convince you to come around? Would it expedite your process? I'm glad that you can admit that you were wrong. But you're still wrong about one more thing, saying no. You love me, I love you, you should give it a shot, not reject me.


3/11/11
I tried to stay away, but too much of me regrets not having had more confidence in this as it is. When you last rejected me, you told me about 5 times that you love me, as you rejected me. You made me feel so bad at the thought of telling you how I feel that these words were a shock. I felt down and had nothing more that I could say, my heart growing cold as I waited for you to say "but just as friends." Yet you didn't, you just left me with your disappointment and anger and the words "I love you." In the moment it felt too cheap to tell you the same, so it came out hesitantly for me to say that I love you too. But then, two days later I was finally able to hold you and with genuine confidence tell you that I love you as we hugged goodbye after the Hadag Nahash Concert. You answered almost half heartedly "I love you too," Though I could tell that you meant it in the warmest way. I think you are playing games because you don't want to risk that I might just be rebounding. I'm not. I'm going through many changes yes, but I really love you Dafna, and I want to be with you. The anticipation just makes things worse for me. I"m sorry if you feel like I'm not listening, but I might have to kiss you soon, because my lips are burning for yours. Please stop patronizing me and let me just live this through. I'll try to keep my distance and wait for you to come to me more. You really need to stop messing around and just kiss me. When I send you those messages, to "EAT!" This is what it means: 1 I care about you and want the best for you, 2. You need to stop holding back from affection. Love me, or if not me then someone you want more if there is such a person around you.


3/15/11
You let me cuddle with you a bit as we slept on campus the other night. As I hinted to you and others I didn't really sleep at all. I was full of caffeine and obsessed with you. Ugg, I feel so stupid that you caught me sniffing the pillow. Don't worry, I didn't take advantage of you in any way. I convinced myself that you were cold, because I was cold. So I took my sweater off and draped it over you. And I placed my hand along your back and on your arm for some shared warmth. I was very tempted to try and spoon with you, but I didn't because I knew that would be taking advantage. You got up a few times and looked shocked at me but you just went back to bed. Before I did this, when you and I were back to back, you were going back and forth with me. Sometimes moving away, but mostly enjoying it.

When you told me that you didn't want me, and that set in, all I could think about was trying to hurt myself. I did some weights to feel sore, but after a few days I couldn't feel it any more. Then I kept eating the peppers at los primos whenever I went there. It burned my mouth, throat, stomach, and sometimes my lungs. Eventually I realized that I needed to feel pain so badly that continuing to be hurt by you was desirable as long as I can't be with you.

This week I went through a change that I told you about. I read this advice from Dr. Phil and it took me a step further in what I need to do to be the better person I'm becoming. I need to tell people all of the nice things I've wanted to say but held back for fear of them not thinking I'd be sincere. I also need to listen and learn about the things my friends care about, like love and music and tv (like the shows and actors you always talk about). I also need to stop looking for things to say for the sake of being mean, just to hold up my personal mask. While I was moving towards these ideas before, Dr Phil convinced me that I need to be a man on a mission to seek and accept these new behaviors.

I'm not the only one of us who is a bad liar. Since you last got upset with me over mentioning things to our friends, I haven't said anything to them except that the problem is over. They can already tell that it's not, but I won't peep a word. I have Sean who I just now spoke to. I hope he's ok in your book because he is wise and going through similar struggles. I also have this, my love diary for you if you will. I don't want to push you, but I do need a little more to go on. I can't contain myself. I'm in love with you. When you said that you wanted to be in the couples dance class with me and not the singles I was thrilled because I was waiting for the chance to suggest it as you said it.

I know that you are confused and that you need time. I submit to you that the problem here is that you are trying so hard not to take a risk, that you will never know how you feel or if it will work out between us until you are neck deep and heavily invested. Waiting just makes the anticipation and eagerness for both of us grow. If we are not compatible over some details we can't know that until you let down your guard and let us be official. You are hurting both of us by waiting, but I guess if you are feeling so strongly that you need this, then there's nothing more I can do but wait and hope that you won't just walk away and tell me nothing when you do come to a decision, either to be with me or someone else or neither. It sucks, but like I said, I want to feel pain right now.

Last night I got a little out of line, hovering over you just a little too much and feeling jealous of when you hugged other guys, mostly Joeseph. I had to collect myself and look at how much of your time I get already. You still call me and want to see me every day. I need to use this new confidence and self reflection to stop asking you and everyone else for permission to be loving. You can stop patronizing me about that now. If I make you uncomfortable, let me know. Otherwise, I'm just going to do what feels right.

I want to kiss you so badly, but I know I gotta wait. You still need time to get over where I've been fucking up lately. I might get the opportunity to kiss you and I will likely steal it, but only if there's been some time to heal from my mistakes first. You will not see me being this way in a relationship with you. Even if you compromised and let us be official but still took it slow, even if you wouldn't allow kissing, I would be far less of a mess around you.

Daf, as I sat beside you at lunch, I realized that I need a healthy amount of contact to be my normal self again. So I started to play a game. No more asking for hugs or to touch you. I'm just going to play it by ear and try to be in contact with you as often as I was with Tatiana and every other girl I've been with. If I don't lose my mind wishing I could kiss you, then maybe I'll be normal again emotionally as long as that contact is made frequently with you. I love you so damn much Dafna. Please kiss me soon.

... What am I doing to myself? You don't want to talk. You talk like I'm supposed to be after other women and it gets me down. I should be mad at you like Emily was at Naomi, but I guess I'm just afraid that you wouldn't get it if I was. Would I lose a friend for nothing if I stopped hanging out with you? Or would you work through your process more? Or would you just hurt us both and live with it? You've been living just fine with my pain so far. Why do you keep calling me and spending time with me if all you do is this? Or, if I wait, might you catch up to me?

Am I just ruining things by being impatient and setting my expectations too high? Everyone fears being rejected, especially me. But I face your insane mixed feelings head on, knowing that it will likely hurt. Maybe I've really been brave all along and just tried to match myself up to what everyone else is like when that doesn't work for me. Can I bring myself to touching you and rubbing your back without falling for you at all? If I can, I probably should. Then I might be the one eventually leading you on, or with that kind of confidence someone else might come along just fine and you'd be happy for me. I love you Dafna, and I am in love with you. My head would be on straighter right now if you felt the same. It's ok though right? I shouldn't need someone else to validate how I feel. I should just live with it and wish you the best either way right? Right.

Life is just starting to feel good, but then my friends are still all too lame to go have fun or invite me to the fun they are out having. I don't want another dull moment. I want some company.

I feel so empty, so lonely. I dream of friends that I don't yet have, dream of what it's like to be the friends that I envy. I feel so inexperienced at life all of a sudden, so that, even if I rushed it would be for nothing. I miss this genuine feeling, as if i ever had it. Like hearing the intro song to Cheers and saying, "yeah, that's how it felt." Like my life has been that, even when it never was before. Yet I understand what it's like all the same. I just want to taste it again. That friendship, that confidence, that comfort. It's not just the lack of a woman that I feel anymore. It's the lack of a soul close to me. I'm not doing bad in respects of finding someone like that either. If only my life was freely able to be in so many places at once. Starting and building relationships while still attending to my priorities just fine. What if I don't have this chance again? What will happen when I'm done? Who will drink with me?

You say that it bothers you when men stare at your tits.
What's a man supposed to do when you dress so damn sexy
I know that beneath this facade lies another human mind
But while my respect for that mind would be determined by
 a judgment of character and intelligence
My desire for that body does not discriminate
What's a guy to do when you look so damn sexy

I can't stand nonsense, it never fails to bore
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be loved
It's because I'm fat right? I'm not pretty enough for you?
If only you knew how I'd like to mop your tile
Can I get what I want if it's something to give
Why can't I be as stingy as you

I don't want to fall so damn hard again
Hurry the fuck up life, before it's too late
Hold me tight, let me cry,
Cause you know, I'm human too

"Cause you are the nights when I'm not sure where my life should go,
Well is it good for you? is it good for you?" - Third Eye Blind

Old memories unfold to mean nothing at all.
Not all pain was gain
Inspiration of hope is so taboo
All the pleasure of life was only in vein

I met a girl who seemed in the mood
got her attention,
didn't think it was rude
only to find that she'd mind if I asked her for something fun
cause she only liked the guys that would touch her,
if they looked soo good.

Can I be sexy to a feminist queen if I only dress the part
Of an androgynous thing.
It could be sexy or maybe filthy gorgeous
But what is the point if I don't know how to swing?

Where am I when I don't know how to pick up and fly?
What do I do just to spend a soft moment with you?
What should I be just to fit into society?
Why don't you love me, just for who I am?

You don't know but I do
You don't even try but you complain
And you cry
I don't even remember the last time I cried about something like that.
but it still hurts
It fucking burns!

Well, here I am. The brilliant genius succumbs to depression once more, even so much as to extinguish the fiery desires he once had for mathematical and scientific ventures..... all because of an unrelenting dream passion and desire for a kissing, hugging, moaning, orgasming, loving, beautiful female companion in his life. Was I depressed because I began trying so hard, or did I become depressed for not trying hard enough and in just the right way until it was too late? I want 16 pathetic years of my life back, from trying to find life guidance in a church. I want parents who had both the brains AND the heart to give me the love and attention that I ever so needed. But most of all, I want vengeance on this callous, unloving, spiteful, and overly competitive world. A society that says one should put hard unrewarding and unappreciated work as a forefront to our happiness. Then come times like these, where I can't seem to press on anymore. I slip, and I find that the energy it takes to get back up again just isn't in me, even if I would be capable if it were.
Last week, the week before finals, a guy I knew well enough to say "hi" to whenever I saw him, jumped off a bridge on the campus and died. People have mixed feelings about it. I knew enough about him to know that he was just another guy like me. He had the same wants for academic and intellectual growth and I would see him in different places, often walking with girls he was clearly trying to be closer to. A friend of mine even noted once, that his game for meeting girls was tutoring them at math. I'm also a tutor, and I've used the position for that purpose before too, but of course with more subtlety than he had. They say that his jacket only had an unclear letter in it when he jumped that indicated that he missed his family. That's always the thing at our age and in our positions isn't it? Always so many responsibilities but never enough love to go around whether from family, friends, or strangers. I relate to him, sympathize with him, and pity him. I'm not going to let myself fall like he did, or at least, if I must die from being at such a loss, let it be from starvation for not being able to keep a job or pay my debts in the end if anything. I need balance, the kind of balance that he didn't have. For the past 3 months my body has been making me feel this way: incredibly anxious, incredibly horny, incredibly depressed feeling unloved, and disinterested in anything but young beautiful women. I put my books aside because of it where that guy kept fighting for his perfect grades and keeping everything in balance. While he feared a single B on his records, I let 10 units of classes go to failure and salvaged 5 units with a C. My GPA will stay above 3.0 so I'm fine. My future is hurt by it a bit, but I'm fine. It's just maddening that it all got to me this way. Why should such a feeling overwhelm me so? The good part about it is that it got me to get out, to meet girls, to make friends, to be more social and open and my usual funny self for more people than just my resent first real and best friend. I did what I always do to solve problems, I focus on what really matters to me and I do everything I can to figure it out for all it's worth.
So I see now, what I've learned from trying so hard. Men are supposed to go out of their ways to meet women, cause women sure as hell wont do the same for them, not at this age and location in the world at least. They are way too shy or nervous and they clearly don't lack complete love and attention on average as much as most men do. The fact that it's not just fair for a guy to do whatever it takes to say "hi", but that it is understood by the female gender is also a new lesson I have learned. I still don't get why women don't always just take what they want, just because of some unreasonable measure to protect themselves from an imaginable potential harm. But ok, I don't have to try to be more than a friend now do I? But that's rally both a relief and added responsibility in the end. I hate that so much responsibility is placed on me even in this issue, and as in other issues, while it is never appreciated how much I go out of my way for it. I could seriously use a gal to hold me and love me right now. To support me and compliment me, just for while. I don't mean I want something fake, I'm just dreaming of the real and unreasonable to expect to come out of nowhere thing. I love the joys that my life has to offer too much to throw it away, but if I didn't stop and say time-out when I needed to, I'd probably be jumping like that guy did.
Next semester will be better, I'll have only one hard course, and three courses of personal interest, and one less meaningless responsibility. I have more friends now that are close. One, whom I think might even open up some time and date me, but she's pushing some hard lessons on me, to love someone for the right reasons. She's right, I don't want to waste a second of my life, but she's right. The more I learn about her the more I like her and, somehow, I'm becoming her most close personal friend because I am such a great listener and rare kind of man. She should be fighting for me, but instead she has me learning from her about the troubles of the other side of the spectrum to worry about, like getting love whenever you want it, but not necessarily the valuable kind of love you need. I'll take my break, then get into my interests. Maybe even finish reading a book to myself before school starts again. Love is too complicated. Dreams are too simple. Life is too demanding and unreal.

A post I made to my okcupid journal, I thought I should post it here too:

My head is spinning. I need to spend more time knowing more young gorgeous women. I just started getting into live journal and I signed up to view a lot of communities. Of all the communities I decided to join or watch, who knew the lesbians talked the most? Lol, seriously I never would have guessed until I saw it. I'm not observing them to be a perv. Actually I started wondering about how much I envy gay guys who are comfortable chat buddies to straight girls. I actually like that about women, that they have so much to say. I like listening to them rant or go over important stuff in their lives. Of course I'm gonna start thinking about when the girls panties come off if I subject myself to listening to her mundane details of her day. But honestly, I like the thought of being there as a listener for girls. I'm considering trying to make some lesbian friends who could know that I'm not going to disrespect them but could use them for chat. That or get to know a few gay guys, learn about what's true about the way they act in general, and try acting as one for a few straight girls just to get to hear them talk more. I have a confession, I went and bought a women's psychology textbook just for reading on my own time. It's an honest interest, not for manipulation. If you looked at it you'd realize that there isn't any advice for that, 'cept maybe the chapter on what makes for good sex, but clearly that's irrelevant unless there's sex to go on. It's not like I can say "hello" make her cum in public and have and instant sex driven slave now can I? I really want to observe women, evaluate them, compare them. See what more details there are to look for in a significant other. My dating life just isn't good enough for that on its own. Ava, if you are reading this, good, cause I want to know you more than any girl I see around me right now. I'm fine if you don't respond, but you really are a creature worth studying. I'd love museum time spent with you, but you are the piece worth learning the most about. At least until I find something out like finding that your smart brain is just a lie. Ha, how upsetting that would be for a profile fake out. I've even thought it out. It wouldn't work cause I have no kittens to borrow from a friend, but I would totally manipulate you by bringing a kitten along if I could. I wouldn't lie about it either, I can bet you'd like it still if I did. Well, it sucks to be such a hopeful romantic like this sometimes, but what could I possibly do about it? I can only press on and keep dreaming for my wild smart young woman who would accept my love and sweep me off my feet someday. I hope she's listening and dreaming about a guy like me right now.

I was walking with a friend tonight at the spectrum. As the night was ending and we were walking to my car, I saw some couples holding each other as we walked by. I sank into my own thoughts, "where do they get those from?" I mean,normal relationships. Where do they come from and how come at the age of 25 I haven't had the chance at one yet? It sucks. I try to put myself out there and be myself, but every girl I meet is a bust for one reason or another. Fat, depressed, ugly, dumb, or uninteresting in general, and of course the most common reason; they aren't wanting anything with anyone. Why can't I have that average girl next door take a liking to me, or hell, just take a chance with me? Am I really just too fat and nerdy to them? Is it cause I don't have much money? What is it that makes a serious relationship so damn hard to find? I don't want just a lot of sex and fun. I want a bond. A girl to seriously watch movies with and sing to or read poetry to. I wonder sometimes if there are some ways to advertize myself, send signals of who I am and what I'm looking for that would be clear to a girl who's looking for a guy like me. Like putting a personals ad on a t-shirt, as a gag but serious the same. I'm nice, I'm a gentleman, I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm talented, I'm a great listener... What's wrong with me that women would turn away for the dumbest reasons from a chance with me. I don't ask them for sex upfront, which is appearantly what every other dumbass does I hear. If anything, I just don't have the energy to entertain a girl 24/7, or to invest so much effort, just to get thrown to the wind, as in she used me for dinner and refused to even return the favor as a friend. What more does a woman want or need than a guy like me? I really wish I knew.

Sick of 1985 song yet? I am. Started reading and got this idea for a funny song. Enjoy







Woo-hoo-hoo

Woo-hoo-hoo

Debbie just hit the wall
She never had it all
One Soma per day
Had all her thoughts enslaved
Her dreams went out the door
When she turned thirty four
Only been with one man
Big Brother had a plan

She was gonna be accepted
She was gonna be a queen
She was gonna throw a rock
At the face of The "Goldstein"
His bearded face you see, was then the enemy
Looks at her average life
And nothing, has been, alright

Since freedom, Mar'juana
And sexual nirvana
There was murder, and flogging
And and B-B's face on everything
Her two kids, they argue
Of politics and gun rules
But she still wants nothing more
Than 19, 19, 1984


Woo-hoo-hoo

1984

Woo-hoo-hoo

She's seen all the classics
She knows every lie
Minitru, Miniluv
Antisex was her club
She'd serve as best she can
Nark to thought policeman
Thought she'd get a hand
And spy for O'Brien

Why's Utopia in remission
And who's the TV guy giving his opinion
When did reality, become T.V.
What ever happened to hate time, Big Bro

On the radio

Since freedom, Mar'juana
And sexual nirvana
There was murder, and flogging
And and B-B's face on everything
Her two kids, they argue
Of politics and gun rules
But she still wants nothing more
Then 19, 19, 1984

Woo-hoo-hoo

She hates time, make it stop
When did all the truth become mainstream talk?
And when did Natzi's compare to Russians?
Please make this stop!
Stop!
Stop!

And throw out

Freedom, Mar'juana
And sexual nirvana
There was murder, and flogging
And and B-B's face on everything
Her two kids, they argue
Of politics and gun rules
But she still wants nothing more
Than 1984

Freedom, Mar'juana
And sexual nirvana
There was murder, and flogging
And and B-B's face on everything
Her two kids, they argue
Of politics and gun rules
But she still wants nothing more
Than 19, 19, 1984