Life is just starting to feel good, but then my friends are still all too lame to go have fun or invite me to the fun they are out having. I don't want another dull moment. I want some company.

I feel so empty, so lonely. I dream of friends that I don't yet have, dream of what it's like to be the friends that I envy. I feel so inexperienced at life all of a sudden, so that, even if I rushed it would be for nothing. I miss this genuine feeling, as if i ever had it. Like hearing the intro song to Cheers and saying, "yeah, that's how it felt." Like my life has been that, even when it never was before. Yet I understand what it's like all the same. I just want to taste it again. That friendship, that confidence, that comfort. It's not just the lack of a woman that I feel anymore. It's the lack of a soul close to me. I'm not doing bad in respects of finding someone like that either. If only my life was freely able to be in so many places at once. Starting and building relationships while still attending to my priorities just fine. What if I don't have this chance again? What will happen when I'm done? Who will drink with me?

You say that it bothers you when men stare at your tits.
What's a man supposed to do when you dress so damn sexy
I know that beneath this facade lies another human mind
But while my respect for that mind would be determined by
 a judgment of character and intelligence
My desire for that body does not discriminate
What's a guy to do when you look so damn sexy

I can't stand nonsense, it never fails to bore
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be loved
It's because I'm fat right? I'm not pretty enough for you?
If only you knew how I'd like to mop your tile
Can I get what I want if it's something to give
Why can't I be as stingy as you

I don't want to fall so damn hard again
Hurry the fuck up life, before it's too late
Hold me tight, let me cry,
Cause you know, I'm human too

"Cause you are the nights when I'm not sure where my life should go,
Well is it good for you? is it good for you?" - Third Eye Blind

Old memories unfold to mean nothing at all.
Not all pain was gain
Inspiration of hope is so taboo
All the pleasure of life was only in vein

I met a girl who seemed in the mood
got her attention,
didn't think it was rude
only to find that she'd mind if I asked her for something fun
cause she only liked the guys that would touch her,
if they looked soo good.

Can I be sexy to a feminist queen if I only dress the part
Of an androgynous thing.
It could be sexy or maybe filthy gorgeous
But what is the point if I don't know how to swing?

Where am I when I don't know how to pick up and fly?
What do I do just to spend a soft moment with you?
What should I be just to fit into society?
Why don't you love me, just for who I am?

You don't know but I do
You don't even try but you complain
And you cry
I don't even remember the last time I cried about something like that.
but it still hurts
It fucking burns!

Well, here I am. The brilliant genius succumbs to depression once more, even so much as to extinguish the fiery desires he once had for mathematical and scientific ventures..... all because of an unrelenting dream passion and desire for a kissing, hugging, moaning, orgasming, loving, beautiful female companion in his life. Was I depressed because I began trying so hard, or did I become depressed for not trying hard enough and in just the right way until it was too late? I want 16 pathetic years of my life back, from trying to find life guidance in a church. I want parents who had both the brains AND the heart to give me the love and attention that I ever so needed. But most of all, I want vengeance on this callous, unloving, spiteful, and overly competitive world. A society that says one should put hard unrewarding and unappreciated work as a forefront to our happiness. Then come times like these, where I can't seem to press on anymore. I slip, and I find that the energy it takes to get back up again just isn't in me, even if I would be capable if it were.
Last week, the week before finals, a guy I knew well enough to say "hi" to whenever I saw him, jumped off a bridge on the campus and died. People have mixed feelings about it. I knew enough about him to know that he was just another guy like me. He had the same wants for academic and intellectual growth and I would see him in different places, often walking with girls he was clearly trying to be closer to. A friend of mine even noted once, that his game for meeting girls was tutoring them at math. I'm also a tutor, and I've used the position for that purpose before too, but of course with more subtlety than he had. They say that his jacket only had an unclear letter in it when he jumped that indicated that he missed his family. That's always the thing at our age and in our positions isn't it? Always so many responsibilities but never enough love to go around whether from family, friends, or strangers. I relate to him, sympathize with him, and pity him. I'm not going to let myself fall like he did, or at least, if I must die from being at such a loss, let it be from starvation for not being able to keep a job or pay my debts in the end if anything. I need balance, the kind of balance that he didn't have. For the past 3 months my body has been making me feel this way: incredibly anxious, incredibly horny, incredibly depressed feeling unloved, and disinterested in anything but young beautiful women. I put my books aside because of it where that guy kept fighting for his perfect grades and keeping everything in balance. While he feared a single B on his records, I let 10 units of classes go to failure and salvaged 5 units with a C. My GPA will stay above 3.0 so I'm fine. My future is hurt by it a bit, but I'm fine. It's just maddening that it all got to me this way. Why should such a feeling overwhelm me so? The good part about it is that it got me to get out, to meet girls, to make friends, to be more social and open and my usual funny self for more people than just my resent first real and best friend. I did what I always do to solve problems, I focus on what really matters to me and I do everything I can to figure it out for all it's worth.
So I see now, what I've learned from trying so hard. Men are supposed to go out of their ways to meet women, cause women sure as hell wont do the same for them, not at this age and location in the world at least. They are way too shy or nervous and they clearly don't lack complete love and attention on average as much as most men do. The fact that it's not just fair for a guy to do whatever it takes to say "hi", but that it is understood by the female gender is also a new lesson I have learned. I still don't get why women don't always just take what they want, just because of some unreasonable measure to protect themselves from an imaginable potential harm. But ok, I don't have to try to be more than a friend now do I? But that's rally both a relief and added responsibility in the end. I hate that so much responsibility is placed on me even in this issue, and as in other issues, while it is never appreciated how much I go out of my way for it. I could seriously use a gal to hold me and love me right now. To support me and compliment me, just for while. I don't mean I want something fake, I'm just dreaming of the real and unreasonable to expect to come out of nowhere thing. I love the joys that my life has to offer too much to throw it away, but if I didn't stop and say time-out when I needed to, I'd probably be jumping like that guy did.
Next semester will be better, I'll have only one hard course, and three courses of personal interest, and one less meaningless responsibility. I have more friends now that are close. One, whom I think might even open up some time and date me, but she's pushing some hard lessons on me, to love someone for the right reasons. She's right, I don't want to waste a second of my life, but she's right. The more I learn about her the more I like her and, somehow, I'm becoming her most close personal friend because I am such a great listener and rare kind of man. She should be fighting for me, but instead she has me learning from her about the troubles of the other side of the spectrum to worry about, like getting love whenever you want it, but not necessarily the valuable kind of love you need. I'll take my break, then get into my interests. Maybe even finish reading a book to myself before school starts again. Love is too complicated. Dreams are too simple. Life is too demanding and unreal.

A post I made to my okcupid journal, I thought I should post it here too:

My head is spinning. I need to spend more time knowing more young gorgeous women. I just started getting into live journal and I signed up to view a lot of communities. Of all the communities I decided to join or watch, who knew the lesbians talked the most? Lol, seriously I never would have guessed until I saw it. I'm not observing them to be a perv. Actually I started wondering about how much I envy gay guys who are comfortable chat buddies to straight girls. I actually like that about women, that they have so much to say. I like listening to them rant or go over important stuff in their lives. Of course I'm gonna start thinking about when the girls panties come off if I subject myself to listening to her mundane details of her day. But honestly, I like the thought of being there as a listener for girls. I'm considering trying to make some lesbian friends who could know that I'm not going to disrespect them but could use them for chat. That or get to know a few gay guys, learn about what's true about the way they act in general, and try acting as one for a few straight girls just to get to hear them talk more. I have a confession, I went and bought a women's psychology textbook just for reading on my own time. It's an honest interest, not for manipulation. If you looked at it you'd realize that there isn't any advice for that, 'cept maybe the chapter on what makes for good sex, but clearly that's irrelevant unless there's sex to go on. It's not like I can say "hello" make her cum in public and have and instant sex driven slave now can I? I really want to observe women, evaluate them, compare them. See what more details there are to look for in a significant other. My dating life just isn't good enough for that on its own. Ava, if you are reading this, good, cause I want to know you more than any girl I see around me right now. I'm fine if you don't respond, but you really are a creature worth studying. I'd love museum time spent with you, but you are the piece worth learning the most about. At least until I find something out like finding that your smart brain is just a lie. Ha, how upsetting that would be for a profile fake out. I've even thought it out. It wouldn't work cause I have no kittens to borrow from a friend, but I would totally manipulate you by bringing a kitten along if I could. I wouldn't lie about it either, I can bet you'd like it still if I did. Well, it sucks to be such a hopeful romantic like this sometimes, but what could I possibly do about it? I can only press on and keep dreaming for my wild smart young woman who would accept my love and sweep me off my feet someday. I hope she's listening and dreaming about a guy like me right now.

I was walking with a friend tonight at the spectrum. As the night was ending and we were walking to my car, I saw some couples holding each other as we walked by. I sank into my own thoughts, "where do they get those from?" I mean,normal relationships. Where do they come from and how come at the age of 25 I haven't had the chance at one yet? It sucks. I try to put myself out there and be myself, but every girl I meet is a bust for one reason or another. Fat, depressed, ugly, dumb, or uninteresting in general, and of course the most common reason; they aren't wanting anything with anyone. Why can't I have that average girl next door take a liking to me, or hell, just take a chance with me? Am I really just too fat and nerdy to them? Is it cause I don't have much money? What is it that makes a serious relationship so damn hard to find? I don't want just a lot of sex and fun. I want a bond. A girl to seriously watch movies with and sing to or read poetry to. I wonder sometimes if there are some ways to advertize myself, send signals of who I am and what I'm looking for that would be clear to a girl who's looking for a guy like me. Like putting a personals ad on a t-shirt, as a gag but serious the same. I'm nice, I'm a gentleman, I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm talented, I'm a great listener... What's wrong with me that women would turn away for the dumbest reasons from a chance with me. I don't ask them for sex upfront, which is appearantly what every other dumbass does I hear. If anything, I just don't have the energy to entertain a girl 24/7, or to invest so much effort, just to get thrown to the wind, as in she used me for dinner and refused to even return the favor as a friend. What more does a woman want or need than a guy like me? I really wish I knew.

Sick of 1985 song yet? I am. Started reading and got this idea for a funny song. Enjoy







Woo-hoo-hoo

Woo-hoo-hoo

Debbie just hit the wall
She never had it all
One Soma per day
Had all her thoughts enslaved
Her dreams went out the door
When she turned thirty four
Only been with one man
Big Brother had a plan

She was gonna be accepted
She was gonna be a queen
She was gonna throw a rock
At the face of The "Goldstein"
His bearded face you see, was then the enemy
Looks at her average life
And nothing, has been, alright

Since freedom, Mar'juana
And sexual nirvana
There was murder, and flogging
And and B-B's face on everything
Her two kids, they argue
Of politics and gun rules
But she still wants nothing more
Than 19, 19, 1984


Woo-hoo-hoo

1984

Woo-hoo-hoo

She's seen all the classics
She knows every lie
Minitru, Miniluv
Antisex was her club
She'd serve as best she can
Nark to thought policeman
Thought she'd get a hand
And spy for O'Brien

Why's Utopia in remission
And who's the TV guy giving his opinion
When did reality, become T.V.
What ever happened to hate time, Big Bro

On the radio

Since freedom, Mar'juana
And sexual nirvana
There was murder, and flogging
And and B-B's face on everything
Her two kids, they argue
Of politics and gun rules
But she still wants nothing more
Then 19, 19, 1984

Woo-hoo-hoo

She hates time, make it stop
When did all the truth become mainstream talk?
And when did Natzi's compare to Russians?
Please make this stop!
Stop!
Stop!

And throw out

Freedom, Mar'juana
And sexual nirvana
There was murder, and flogging
And and B-B's face on everything
Her two kids, they argue
Of politics and gun rules
But she still wants nothing more
Than 1984

Freedom, Mar'juana
And sexual nirvana
There was murder, and flogging
And and B-B's face on everything
Her two kids, they argue
Of politics and gun rules
But she still wants nothing more
Than 19, 19, 1984